小時候最常聽到長輩對我說:「 你真懂事是個早熟的孩子!」
從我有記憶以來,我的家是熱鬧的三代同堂,我很喜歡玩積木,我常常建造很大的城堡或是輪船,把所有的家人都裝進去,那是我小時候最喜歡做的事,但快樂的記憶很短暫,我不知道為什麼爸爸突然會對媽媽家暴,也不知道為什麼常常有不同的阿姨們出現在爸爸身邊,更不明白他為什麼後來住在監獄裡。
四歲那年,媽媽背著剛出生的妹妹牽著我走進法院,拿回一張離婚協議書與我們的監護權。還記得在法院時我的內心有多害怕、回家後有多憤怒。一個內心受傷的孩子,通常會大哭大鬧一場,但我卻是像個大人一樣,抱著我那哭到抽慉的母親,最後我處理自己情緒的方式,就是把所有的積木都毀了,之後我再也不玩了。
一艘有全家人在上面的輪船,重重的被我摔在地上。我很想哭很想叫,但我知道我媽媽比我更難過,所以我沒有哭也沒有叫,只跟自己說:「以後要保護這個家的是我!」
在認識人類圖之前,我一直都認為被說懂事早熟,完全是因為我的家庭、因為我那還不成熟的爸爸,讓我往後的日子總是無法像同儕們那樣,好好享受學生時代。但無法像同儕們一樣過日子的成因有很多,自從有了保護家的念頭,我大概聽不見自己內心的聲音,我只聽得見母親的期望與需求,多年來我追求的只有母親的認同,但我母親從來沒有讚美過我,她對我非常嚴格,要我成為妹妹最好的榜樣,成為她這位單親媽媽的完美女兒。
一直以來我都把滿足媽媽的期望當成我此生最重要的事,但總是得不到肯定,所以我也真的覺得「對!是我不夠好!」我的自我價值感一直很低,直到到外地唸大學後,我努力的打工證明自己不是母親的負擔,前三年都花時間在打工,所以和班上的同學沒有太大的交集,常常有種格格不入的感覺,不然就是過分迎合各式各樣的同學們。我一直都知道自己只要跟一個人相處一陣子,就能感應對方的需求與喜好,所以要成為任何人的朋友都可以,只要我還有電,只要我繼續忽視自己的內心,我就可以勉強自己滿足別人的期望。
在開始研究我自己的人類圖之前,我大部分的時間都在迷惘,找不到自己的價值總是焦慮不安,也沒有遇到健康又正確的伴侶關係,我一直覺得都是自己不夠好的關係。
直到下面這張圖的出現,我就買了《人類圖:區分的科學》來研究我自己!
研究我自己的人類圖可以說是2017年最棒的決定,薦骨中心空白的我,不知適可而止的熬夜把自己讀懂,一有空就複習,急著去制約,想快點成為一個典範,影響身邊的人。我想每個人類圖的麻瓜都會有這種感覺吧!
我的內心很明白,去制約的路急不得,那些讀懂自己的moment真的很難忘,就像人類圖氣象報告,總在我需要時po文,認識人類圖之後的日子,每天都好神奇!處在一個經濟壓力很大的環境,現階段還是要勉強接受一些直覺沒有感應的邀請,每次硬著頭皮完成的邀請,都讓我很疲憊,但我相信這條去制約、回到我內在權威與策略的路,會越走越好,會越來越像我自己,一個單純的人!
反覆閱讀我所擁有的通道與閘門,從生活中體會我九大能量中心如何運作,感受那些神秘的爻在我的人生中送給我的禮物與課題,這些美妙的感覺,讓我內心曾經受傷的部分,變成一種美麗的刺青,留在我身上但是沒有悲傷沒有恨。
研究人類圖時,也讓我深深的覺得每個人的人生都不容易,有很多課題要學,還有各自不同的人生使命要完成,所以我的父母也是一樣的呀!
雖然在我成長的過程中沒有機會好好當個孩子,但這也是促使我不斷突變、不斷成為自己的最佳動力!謝謝人類圖,讓我和我的童年和解、讓我瞭解原來宇宙送了我好多愛的禮物,未來的日子我會好好用心體會與學習宇宙的祕密。
• 作者│侒玖,本文為「2017亞洲人類圖學院徵文比賽(麻瓜組)」佳作作品,原文標題《為我的童年點燈》,未經同意禁止任意複製轉載、改作或重製。
• 邀請你一起按讚追蹤Facebook 亞洲人類圖學院 Human Design School in Asia
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• 點這裡 取得你的人類圖
• 你對人類圖有興趣嗎?如果你渴望了解自己,探索你獨一無二的設計,歡迎透過以下方式,進入人類圖的神奇世界:相關書籍 、個案解讀、近期課程
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